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Mike Robuck
Mike Robuck
4/14/2016 4:05:45 PM
User Rank
Author
small project
"The Big Guy wants you to install FTTH to speed up prayers. How long will that take?"

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faryl
faryl
4/15/2016 1:25:13 AM
User Rank
Platinum
We already tried that!
Yes, He tried powering it off and rebooting it already!

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faryl
faryl
4/15/2016 7:14:44 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Hacking Heaven
No, I will not give you the password. Nice try, but you can't social engineer your way into heaven.

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faryl
faryl
4/15/2016 7:29:39 PM
User Rank
Platinum
All Those Times Paid Off
We can overlook a few sins. Answering all your relatives' computer questions and setting up their printers proves you already have the patience of a saint. You're in!

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NewIPLiz
NewIPLiz
4/14/2016 4:23:54 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Missed your time slot
You said you'd be here between 3 and 5pm!

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mhhf1ve
mhhf1ve
4/14/2016 6:56:02 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Stuck In Limbo...
I'm sorry, our computers are down at the moment.. and due to new security measures, we can't let you in to fix them BEFORE you're registered in our database. 

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mhhf1ve
mhhf1ve
4/14/2016 7:52:32 PM
User Rank
Platinum
captions..
Yes, that guy I just let in is Bill Gates. People keep asking me how he got in, and I keep telling them that it's really not that hard for a camel to pass through an eye of a needle.... 

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mhhf1ve
mhhf1ve
4/14/2016 7:55:02 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: captions..
It says here that you used to unlock iPhones for the government, too. I'll have to double-check with the Big Guy to see if that's going to count for or against you.

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mhhf1ve
mhhf1ve
4/14/2016 7:59:41 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: captions..
Everyone in heaven uses Apple products, but we let in PC tech support guys like yourself because a lot of the folks in here remember what you did for them during Life.

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afwriter
afwriter
4/14/2016 10:26:20 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Mix Up
There must have been a mix up; you want the basement level. 

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vnewman
vnewman
4/15/2016 12:21:04 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: Mix Up
"Sorry, but you're not in the system."

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vnewman
vnewman
4/15/2016 11:46:40 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: Mix Up
"Nice try, but everyone knows you're the devil in disguise."

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vnewman
vnewman
4/15/2016 11:50:10 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: Mix Up
"May I have your ticket number, please?"

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afwriter
afwriter
4/14/2016 10:30:10 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Gaming God
Good, you're here.  Our game of Civilizations has been lagging...

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 7:41:31 AM
User Rank
Author
Excited
"We've never had one of your kind up here before!"

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 7:44:07 AM
User Rank
Author
Migration
"We're trying to move all our systems into the cloud."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 7:47:19 AM
User Rank
Author
The Literal
"I'm having computer trouble."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 7:48:01 AM
User Rank
Author
The Play on Words
"I keep getting the Sky-Blue Screen of Death."

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Ariella
Ariella
4/15/2016 9:32:28 AM
User Rank
Author
Re: The Play on Words
<"I keep getting the Sky-Blue Screen of Death."> I like that one @Joe.

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mpouraryan
mpouraryan
4/15/2016 2:33:16 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: The Play on Words
As I hope MSFT changes its' "blue screen" to something else (someday) :)), all have been kind of cute...here is my humble contribution:  "...no need to be worried anymore..." 

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JohnBarnes
JohnBarnes
4/15/2016 7:48:24 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Because you were bad, so they sent you to the place where everything works.
Your colleagues, who were good, get to spend eternity messing around while users sob and wail helplessly.

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elizabethv
elizabethv
4/15/2016 8:25:34 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Mailer Daemon
I was trying this new mailing list out and we keep getting mailer daemons..... I'm sure you can understand, we just can't have that kind of thing up here. If the press gets news of this.... I'm sure you'll be discreet? Yes?

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dmendyk
dmendyk
4/15/2016 11:47:47 AM
User Rank
Platinum
tech talk
Who's the moron NOW?

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Michelle
Michelle
4/15/2016 12:23:33 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Accidental gig
"Whoa, you got here fast."

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Michelle
Michelle
4/15/2016 2:21:40 PM
User Rank
Platinum
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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 3:09:07 PM
User Rank
Author
The Upgrade
"Our legacy systems are a couple thousand years old."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 3:10:47 PM
User Rank
Author
Self Containment
"You're actually in Hell, but your soul is running on a virtualized instance."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 3:12:28 PM
User Rank
Author
The Post-Mortem. (Pun acknowledged.)
"You died after tripping over all those long cables you left dangling by the servers."

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Ariella
Ariella
4/15/2016 4:12:54 PM
User Rank
Author
Re: The Post-Mortem. (Pun acknowledged.)
<"You died after tripping over all those long cables you left dangling by the servers."> karma perfection.

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mhhf1ve
mhhf1ve
4/15/2016 3:41:33 PM
User Rank
Platinum
captions
"Our cloud servers are pretty reliable. But we get a lot of hackers trying to break in from the OTHER place..."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 5:08:05 PM
User Rank
Author
The Revelation
"Sorry; we only use Macs."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 5:09:28 PM
User Rank
Author
The Wait
"We're still using dial-up until Google Fiber gets around to us."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 5:11:09 PM
User Rank
Author
The Authentication
"What's your mother's maiden name?"

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 5:12:11 PM
User Rank
Author
The Misunderstanding
"Oh!  DevOps!  I thought you said something else."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 5:13:21 PM
User Rank
Author
The Semi-Obscure Reference
"Nobody knows you're a god on the Internet."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 5:14:25 PM
User Rank
Author
The Post-Mortem Redux
"You suffered a fatal error."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 5:16:10 PM
User Rank
Author
The Post-Mortem Redux Redux
"Your earthly connection timed out."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/15/2016 5:19:38 PM
User Rank
Author
The Search
"We need someone who understands Hecks-adecimal."

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DHagar
DHagar
4/15/2016 8:50:13 PM
User Rank
Platinum
TT Caption
"What's your password?"

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DHagar
DHagar
4/15/2016 8:51:33 PM
User Rank
Platinum
TT Caption
"Sorry, you are timed out - please reset and try again later"

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DHagar
DHagar
4/15/2016 8:52:41 PM
User Rank
Platinum
TT Caption
"Sorry, we are signed up for Remote Support"

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JohnBarnes
JohnBarnes
4/15/2016 10:30:33 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Because your strangely shaped head is not scheduled for upgrade until Humanity 17.3 ships in 2017, that's why!
And if you jailbreak your appearance to acquire a head produced by some other deity, it will void the warranty.

The least you can do, buster, is appreciate the irony.

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/16/2016 9:00:58 AM
User Rank
Author
The Error Message
"ANTARCTIC.EXE keeps freezing up."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/16/2016 9:04:51 AM
User Rank
Author
The Incompatibility
"We've been having nothing but problems since Eve started using an Apple."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/16/2016 9:10:56 AM
User Rank
Author
The Alternate Explanation
"Happy Halloween!  What are you supposed to be?"

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/16/2016 12:04:53 PM
User Rank
Author
The Statistic
"Cisco says we should expect 50 billion connected souls by 2020."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/16/2016 12:06:59 PM
User Rank
Author
The Karmic FUD
"Nobody ever got into Heaven for buying IBM equipment."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/16/2016 12:08:38 PM
User Rank
Author
The Irony
"We're vendor agnostic."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/16/2016 12:15:16 PM
User Rank
Author
The Data Breach
"The spyware we installed on your system gives us a pretty clear picture of your sins."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/16/2016 12:19:08 PM
User Rank
Author
The Outsourcing
"Hell sent you to us for your eternal punishment. Nobody here knows how to check their email."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/16/2016 12:21:12 PM
User Rank
Author
The H(eaven)-1B Visa
"Turns out we don't have room for you.  It was cheaper to admit six candidates from Purgatory."

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mhhf1ve
mhhf1ve
4/16/2016 7:41:17 PM
User Rank
Platinum
captions...
"The St. Pater gateway app isn't working.. it denied knowing the Boss's son three times and it's going to erase everything after 10 tries."

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mhhf1ve
mhhf1ve
4/16/2016 7:51:06 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: captions...
"If you ask me if I've tried restarting this computer one more time, I'm going to send you to the other place!"

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mhhf1ve
mhhf1ve
4/16/2016 7:56:07 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: captions...
The "blue screen of death" doesn't happen here, but we still need to force quit some daemons from time to time.

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mhhf1ve
mhhf1ve
4/16/2016 8:08:36 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: captions...
"The Devil has been trying to install malware on this computer for ages... but what he doesn't know is no one uses this computer for anything important. Everyone uses iPads now."

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mhhf1ve
mhhf1ve
4/16/2016 8:18:28 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: captions...
"When are you guys going to figure out that you can't use social engineering attacks on Heaven?" 

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JohnBarnes
JohnBarnes
4/16/2016 10:15:55 PM
User Rank
Platinum
No, it's not your time yet. We're just seeing if turning you off and then back on will fix the problem.
 It always straightens Lazarus right out when he starts running slow.

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/17/2016 10:34:55 AM
User Rank
Author
The Bad Command
"Soul not found.  Abort, Retry, Fail?"

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/20/2016 6:54:35 PM
User Rank
Author
The Dismissal
"We've got a ransomware infection, but it's okay.  Jesus saves."

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/21/2016 9:10:06 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Hell...
GO TO HELL...You are too late.

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/21/2016 7:11:41 PM
User Rank
Author
The Expenses
"Sorry, we don't pay per diem."

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Ariella
Ariella
4/25/2016 11:29:57 AM
User Rank
Author
Re: The Expenses
Nice one @Joe. I didn't read through all, as there are nearly 70 up. Did anyone reference the cloud? 

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/25/2016 11:37:48 AM
User Rank
Author
Re: The Expenses
@Ariella:

> Nice one @Joe. I didn't read through all, as there are nearly 70 up. Did anyone reference the cloud? 

Yup!  Here you go: LINK

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Ariella
Ariella
4/25/2016 5:18:13 PM
User Rank
Author
Re: The Expenses
Thanks @Joe. 

Another possibility: we'll keep your cloud going, no matter how far we have to go to fix it.

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freehe
freehe
4/26/2016 5:08:44 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Heaven 2.0
Boy am I glad to see you! Our servers are down and we have been flooded with people not on our list and it is reaking havoc on our angels.

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freehe
freehe
4/26/2016 5:10:42 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Formerly Known As Heaven
We've been waiting all day for you guys. Our servers are corrupted. Some people got in the back door and we need to send them back.

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/21/2016 7:14:23 PM
User Rank
Author
The Warning
"Be careful.  'Downtime' means something very different here."

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mpouraryan
mpouraryan
4/24/2016 8:03:43 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: The Warning
As I read thru all the submission, all I could say is that I don't envy mike's role--they're all quite cute!!!  If only mine was as cute and creative

 

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Mike Robuck
Mike Robuck
4/25/2016 10:17:45 AM
User Rank
Author
Vote!
@mpouraryan, You've had some good ones! Vote for your favorite so I don't have to decide the top caption. Thanks!

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mpouraryan
mpouraryan
4/25/2016 12:46:48 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: Vote!
Will Do Sir--have to put a lot of thought to it--although in this day and age of transformation, it seems as if "thinking things through" is out of fashion. :)) 

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 10:24:55 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Heaven will be Hell soon...
Heaven will be Hell soon if not this is fixed...

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 10:27:35 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Payment
You came to collect your payment???? Look what you did to this place???

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 10:36:22 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Firewall
Did you mess up the firewall while supporting remotely? Folks are out of control and crossing boundaries between Heaven and Hell.

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 10:45:58 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Infected
Why did you use infected software while applying that patch? Now the whole heaven is infected. You better fix things soon......

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/25/2016 11:35:17 AM
User Rank
Author
The Wrong Floor
"The firewall is downstairs."

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 12:41:18 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Cloud..
What....Is the Cloud messed up?? How could you let that happen...Grrrrrrrrr

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 12:44:48 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Security
What....Is this due to that Private Cloud's security mess? I told your company that Security is really crucial for us here at Heaven. For that we dismiss your company from Heaven's vendor contract relationship.

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 1:48:52 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Data File Swap
Hey @Support Guy: Why did you guys swap the data file with Hell's version during transmission? I see folks swapping between Heaven and Hell automatically, going all over. It is crazy..Can we do Ctrl + Alt + Del to stop this ??????????????? 

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 2:41:13 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Security Layer
Why did you disable the security? Folks started walking in and out crazy.

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 3:00:00 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Smart Badges
Smart Badges stopped working, Fix Fix Fiz.....

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/25/2016 5:37:17 PM
User Rank
Author
The Notation Conversion
"In binary, I guess you'd call it the Holy Undenity."

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 7:50:17 PM
User Rank
Platinum
China ???
Is this China again..Cyber Attack????

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 7:54:21 PM
User Rank
Platinum
You broke it
You broke it all, even Ctrl + Alt + Del isn't working. The previous support company was much better. Everything used to get fixed by the magic key Ctrl + Alt + Del. 

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/25/2016 7:56:25 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Encryption
If you can't encrypt the security key, Can we hire that company that decrypted iPhone's key?

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/26/2016 6:18:49 AM
User Rank
Author
The Alternative Post-Mortem
"Your family tried unplugging you and plugging you back in to see if you got better.  You didn't."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/26/2016 6:19:40 AM
User Rank
Author
The Incredulity
"What do you mean, you want to reboot?!"

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Mike Robuck
Mike Robuck
4/26/2016 7:28:22 AM
User Rank
Author
Re: The Incredulity
Great posts! But no votes for first place so far. 

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elizabethv
elizabethv
4/26/2016 7:28:22 AM
User Rank
Platinum
My vote.....
I think the new voting idea is a good one!
 
I'm sorry, our computers are down at the moment.. and due to new security measures, we can't let you in to fix them BEFORE you're registered in our database. 


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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/26/2016 11:24:03 AM
User Rank
Platinum
My Vote
Here is my vote:

Joe Stanganelli
The Warning 
"Be careful.  'Downtime' means something very different here."


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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/26/2016 11:33:45 AM
User Rank
Platinum
Cyber Wall
Where is the CYBER WALL???

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drmrs63465
drmrs63465
4/26/2016 11:44:15 AM
User Rank
Silver
April 2016 cartoon caption contest
We are not looking for a Plumbing Contractor!

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Michelle
Michelle
4/26/2016 2:18:56 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Caption Vote
"Our cloud servers are pretty reliable. But we get a lot of hackers trying to break in from the OTHER place..." - mhhf1ve

http://www.telcotransformation.com/messages.asp?piddl_msgthreadid=64042&piddl_msgid=200205#msg_200205

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Mike Robuck
Mike Robuck
4/26/2016 3:19:13 PM
User Rank
Author
Re: Caption Vote
Thanks for the votes so far! I like that Michelle included a link. 

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freehe
freehe
4/26/2016 5:14:10 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Temporarily Closed for Maintenance
What took you so long? Our line is wrapped around the tree of life.

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freehe
freehe
4/26/2016 5:22:26 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Our Systems Are Down
We've been hacked, we think it's the group anonymous but we're not certain. We have a backlog our data centers servers are down.

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/27/2016 1:05:30 AM
User Rank
Author
The Now What
"My computer died."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/27/2016 1:07:25 AM
User Rank
Author
The Well-There's-Your-Problem
"Our servers in the basement keep overheating."

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Michelle
Michelle
4/27/2016 1:55:19 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: The Well-There's-Your-Problem
Good one! Too bad I already voted...

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/27/2016 11:41:42 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Contingency
MMaaannn...Where is your contingency action? Would you be able to apply disaster recovery approach now?

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/28/2016 12:16:34 AM
User Rank
Platinum
GPS
Is that your GPS that took you sooo looooong?

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/28/2016 10:50:32 PM
User Rank
Author
The Task
"We need you to get started on fixing the Y10k bug."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/28/2016 10:53:30 PM
User Rank
Author
The Long Trip
"Never mind.  Turns out I forgot to plug it in."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/29/2016 8:35:24 AM
User Rank
Author
The Programmer Dad Joke
"Welcome to the Strawberry Perly gates."

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/29/2016 8:41:35 AM
User Rank
Author
The Bad Gateway
"What do you mean, Error 502???"

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Mike Robuck
Mike Robuck
4/29/2016 9:44:47 AM
User Rank
Author
voting
Wow, 104 comments! I don't see many votes. I hope we don't end up with a three-way tie for first with one vote each. Thanks, contest ends at midnight tomorrow and keep in mind the board is set to eastern time zone. Thanks

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dcawrey
dcawrey
4/29/2016 4:42:32 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Re: voting
"It's pretty bad up here. We're still trying to get off Windows XP." 

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/29/2016 7:05:21 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Offshore
It's going to be complete disaster by the time your offshore support team gets on the job !!!!

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ms.akkineni
ms.akkineni
4/29/2016 7:08:26 PM
User Rank
Platinum
Hika Virus
Is this HIKA virus ... a heavenly version of Zika???

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Joe Stanganelli
Joe Stanganelli
4/30/2016 9:33:24 AM
User Rank
Author
The Cloud Gateway
"Stand by while I convert your protocol."

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